THE ADVENTURESOF FELIX AND DEMETRI
by xxtwilightemoxx
Summary: Felix and Demetri (who arebest friends and members of the Volturi guard) cause lots of trouble , this stroy includs : Unicorns and Pegasu's , Heidi's bra ,Caius and squirells ,a bath full of pinkness and Jane and the tellytubbies? Random and funny After Breaking Dawn Part 2 , it is just a random story of whathappens when two best friendswho happen to be vampires in Volturi r bord
1. Chapter 1-Charlie the Unicorn

**I KNOW I HAVE A BILLION STORIES TO UPDATE , BUT I COULDN'T RESIST ! WHEN THIS IDEA CAME TO ME I STARTED LAUGHING A LOUD , I WAS SITTING IN THE KITCHEN . JUST SITTING THEIR TALKING TO MY BOYFIREND , AND SUDDENLY BURST OUT LAUGHING . HE WAS LIKE "WTF?" AND IM LIKE "I HAVE THE BBEST IDEA EVER !" AND HE IS LIKE "ME TOO! LET'S CREATE A UNICORN FARM!" AND IM LIKE "YEAH… MY IDEA IS BETETR !" AND I TOLD HIM MY STORY IDEA WHICH IS : FELIX AND DEMETRI CAUSE LOTS OF TROULE AND IT IS A FUNNY STORY . AND HE IS LIKE "YEAH ….. WELL I'M GONNA GO FIND SUM UNICORNS !" HE STUCK HIS TOUNGE OUT AND WENT TO FIND SOME UNICORNS AND I TYPED THIS UP IN HIS ABSENCE . **

**HE DIDN'T FIND ANY UNICORNS**

**I suggest you watch Charlie the Unicorn on YouTube before reading this , unless you've already seen it that is ! **

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT , CHARLIE THE UNICORN OR BARBIE!**

**THE ADVENTURES OF FELIX AND DEMETRI **

**Felix's POV**

**Hmmmmmm, I'm bored! Nothing to do , no guard duty , no killing people , no Jane or Alec to torment (not that you can torment them for very long , with their gifts!) no one to play with !**

**Demetri's POV**

**Hmmmmmm, I'm bored! Nothing to do , no guard duty , no killing people , no Jane or Alec to torment (not that you can torment them for very long , with their gifts!) no one to play with !**

**Felix's POV**

**I KNOW DEMETRI !**

**Demetri's POV**

**I KNOW FELIX!**

**Felix's POV**

"**HEY DEMETRI ? " I said as I passed him in the hallway .**

"**YES FELIX?" He answered . **

"**WANNA DO SOMETHING ?" I asked my best friend .**

"**YES , CAN I PICK ?" I nodded and he jumped up and down whilst squealing . **

"**Let's create a Unicorn farm!" He screamed . OMG ! BEST IDEA EVER!**

"**YES , OMG ! BEST IDEA EVER , LETS GO!" I answered back to him .**

**Demetri's POV**

**Me and Felix ran to the magical meadow at vampire speed . "HEY CHARLIE!" Felix and I both said to Charlie the unicorn , who was happily grazing in the magical meadow . "Who the fuck are you two ? Wait! Are you those other to unicorns in disguise ! Guy's look , please just l-leave me alone , I don't want to go back to Candy mountain !" What ?**

"**Um , we aren't unicorns ? But …" Felix said "Were vampires !" He continued .**

"**And were going to kidnap you and put you into our unicorn farm !" I said .**

"**WHAT?" Charlie said , poor Unicorn ! He is depth !**

**I bent down and put my mouth directly onto his ear and screamed so loud a vampire would of got a shock and said "I SAID WERE GOING TO KIDNAP YOU AND PUT US IN OUR UNICORN FARM!" **

**Me and Felix carried Charlie to our farm we purchased along our way to the magical meadow . **

"**We will go and get you some friends , Charlieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Me and Felix both said !**

**Felix's POV**

"**Okay ! Let's go get Barbie Pegasus !" I said . Demetri looked at me like I was crazy . "What?"**

" **She's a Pegasus ! Not a Unicorn !" He snapped back at me , **

"**Do you know another Unicorn ? Besides Pegasus will teach Charlie some manners , he's kind of rude don't you think ?" I said **

"**Yeah , I guess , let's go then!" We headed off to find the Pegasus ! **

**We found her flying round the sky randomly . She had a random slut on her back , she was dressed slutty , that was for sure . **

"**Hey , Heidi ? What are you doing on the Pegasus's back ?" Me and Demetri shouted together . **

**The slut on the Pegasus's back turned around ….**

**Oh . That's not Heidi . "Sorry Barbie!" Demetri and I both shouted together . **

**Barbie jumped onto a cloud and left , we jumped up using our jumpy vampire powers and kidnapped Pegasus . **

**We brought her back to our Unicorn farm . "Okay , Pegasus , this is Charlie , Charlie this is Pegasus! I know you're a Pegasus but we decided to kidnap you and create a Unicorn/Pegasus farm instead!" **

**We left and found four Pegasus's and four Unicorns , randomly . We brought them back and fed all of them . Me and Demetri sat back on the grass and admired our hard work !**

**We left to go back to the Castle and tell everybody to come and see our work! **

**We heard faintly in the distance a voice , Charlie's ….**

**It sounded like he said …."Aghh , they took my fringing Kidney!" Strange….**

**Me and Demetri just shrugged and carried on walking . **

**When we arrived back at the Castle , Jane and Alec were discussing the Cullen's . **

"**OMG! ARE THE CULLEN'S COMING , THEY'LL EAT OUR UNICORNS AND PEGASUS 'S ?!" Me and Demetri shouted !**

"**No , if they were coming , you would have been called back home imminently , and what the fuck are you talking about , Unicorns and Pegasus's aren't real!" Jane said .**

"**YES THEY ARE REAL ! WE WILL PROVE IT TOO YOU! EVERYONE FOLLOW US!" Everyone followed us to our Unicorn/Pegasus farm and they all gasped !**

"**Is that Charlie the unicorn ?" Alec asked emotionless , so emotionless he could be mistook for an emo ! He was so dumb founded he didn't hold any emotion in his face !**

"**Yes , yes it is !" **

"**And Barbie Pegasus ?" Aro asked with the same blank look as Alec on his face .**

"**Yes it is ." I announced proudly !**

**Charlie the Unicorn's POV**

**At least I'm away from those other two freaks here! **

"**Hellooooooooooooo Charlieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Two voice's said . **

**Shit !**

**Felix's POV **

**Suddenly one of the random Unicorns turned around and bit Caius's pants off! **

"**WHAT THE FUCK!" He screamed !**

**It then bit his underpants off . **

"**YOU STUPID FUCKING SHITTY EXUSE FOR A HORSE!" **

"**It's a Unicorn !" Athendora corrected him . **

"**Whatever!" He yelled at his mate . **

"**Hey Caius ? Why do you have a mini Peporami where your dick should be ?" He growled . Wonder why? **

**Heidi whispered in my ear . Oh ….**

**He lunged at me and I screamed like some teenage girl at a lame pop group concert!**

**REVIEW!**


	2. Chapter 2-The new Volturi members

**After this , I have one last story to update and I'll of officially updated all of my stories in a day (except Jacobs Easter treat – my Easter treat for you guys , as that is a completed one shot ! **

**I don't own twilight :( **

**THE ADVENTURES OF FELIX AND DEMETRI !**

**Felix's POV**

"**Demetri , my fine , feathered , friend , I am bored !" I announced to my best friend .**

"**Felix , my fine , feline , friend , how about a walk in the forest and visiting the animals?" Demetri suggested . **

"**What a fantastic idea ! I am still in an animal mood after we built our own Unicorn farm !" **

"**Me too! Let's go!" He said .**

**With that , we both ran off and headed to the forest ! **

"**Hello Animals!" We both said . **

"**Ooh look Squirrels !" I said .**

"**Want to take them home?" Demetri said . **

"**Yes , let's go." We picked up the squirrels and took them home . **

"**Caius ? Look!" We showed our master our new pets and he looked repulsed !**

"**WHY THE FUCK HAVE YOU GOT THOSE FILTHY NO GOOD SHITS IN MY GRAND CASTLE YOU COMPLETE MOTHERFUCKING RETARDS!" **

"**Cause they deserve to be loved !" We said together . **

"**FINE ! BUT IF I FIND SO MUCH TO AS A SPECK OF SHIT ANYWHERE IN THIS GOD DAMN CASTLE THEN I AM CALLING THE CULLEN'S AND HAVING THEM COME OVER HERE AND EAT THEM ! GOT IT?" He exclaimed .**

"**Yes Master Caius , no shitty castle !" We said together . **

"**Wanna play a game Squirrels ?" I asked them . **

"**Okay we'll hide and you come and find us , the game is called hide and go seek!" Demetri explained . **

"**Let's hide in Heidi's room !" **

**We went in Heidi's room and hid under her blanket which smelled like armpits ! Oh no wait , that's just Heidi ! **

**A week and a half later **

**Caius's POV**

**I was sitting on my throne (my actual throne not the toilet , vampire's don't shit, piss or fart)**

"**Brother , would you seem to recall where Felix and Demetri are located ?" Aro asked me . **

"**There hiding from Squirrels ." I answered mumbling , not looking up from my book whilst I spoke , I only looked up to see the confusion on Aro's face ! **

**Okay sooooooooooooooooooooo plzzzzzzzz review! It would mean the world!**

**Do you think they'll be found? Review!**


	3. Chapter 3-The Cullen's BBQ

**REVIEW! ( I know vampires can't cry , but does any of this story make sense?) **

**THE ADVENTURES OF FELIX AND DEMETRI **

**ARO'S POV**

Felix and Demetri , two of my most truly trusted and faithful guard members , are hiding from rodents? How peculiar ?

"Brother , what is the purpose of this event with these … squirrels?" I asked Caius whom was reading a book he'd recently purchased .

"Well , you may have noticed that the vampire world has not had many crimes lately so I presume , not having many missions , Felix and Demetri have lost their god damn minds and decided to go to the forest to visit the animals . They brought home some random squirrels and are currently playing hide and go seek , they've been hiding under Heidi's bed for a week and a half waiting for the squirrels to find them. Lovely day were having isn't it?"

I marched up stairs into Heidi's room and pulled the blanket off her bed to find two giggling men playing rock , paper , scissors . They looked up and acknowledged my presence in the room and grinned at me like weirdo's .

"Hey , Aro , were hiding from Squirrels !" They both said in union .

"The squirrels are dead , they died of starvation , did you not know the arrival of the Cullen's ? They're having a BBQ outside ."

I pointed to the window , Felix , Demetri and I looked out the window to see the Cullen family sitting on logs (that randomly appeared out of nowhere) , grinning like the Cheshire cat. They had a fire started and had a turning stick with roasting squirrels spinning on it . When they were cooked they poked a stick in there gut's and took a bite . They then noticed us at the window , they politely waved and offered us some Squirrel shish kabob , after we declined , Felix and Demetri burst into tears .

**Caius's POV**

I'm so fucking glad those shitty squirrels died ! Maybe the Cullen's actually are good for something , the Cullen's left and yesterday after their feast . Finally , peace and relaxation .

I heard a little sniffing , I then felt a little tickle on my legs , then a bite.

"SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ?" I yelled in frustration , I felt the tickle grow . "SOMETHING JUST BIT MY DICK!"

I then realised there were Squirrels down my pant's . I started to shake , attempting to get them out.

"Hey Master Caius , great dancing!"

"OH , SHUT UP ALEC!" I yelled .

He looked confused and probably didn't realise I wasn't dancing but I had small rodents biting my cock .

Then two Squirrels crawled out the bottom of my pants and EVERYONE in the castle said .

"OH…" Then burst into laughter – then I picked up the two Squirrels and squeezed them so hard their guts flu across the room and landed in Jane's mouth.

Everyone started laughing again , then they started screaming at the agony of Jane's gifts .

An hour later , EVERYONE (Volturi guard and coven) were in the throne room and everything was normal again . Suddenly , the Cullen's burst in , their eyes high with hope .

"Heard the were some left over Squirrels in hear!" Carlisle said looking frantic , his family spotted the Squirrels and pounced greedily on them .

**OKAY REVIEW!**

**R.I.P TO THE DEAD SQUIRELS , THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO THERE LOVING MEMORY.**

**NO SQUIRRELS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS FANFICTION .**


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